Helping Your Child to Self Soothe

Q: I try to help my child calm down when she’s upset, but she tells me that she can’t calm down. How do I help her to learn to calm her body?

A: Many kids and adults are not aware when they become emotionally flooded, and they don’t know how to calm themselves down. When our heart rate goes up, we stop thinking and behaving logically. It takes at least 20 minutes for anyone to calm down their body and soothe themselves. Kids don’t know how to do this on their own. They need help from adults to learn how to self soothe. When I tell my 3 year old to take deep breaths when she is upset, she has said, “I don’t know how!” There are a few simple ways to teach your child how to take deep breaths when they are upset. The first is to get some mini-pinwheels.  You can get them at Oriental Trading Company. Using a pinwheel is a great way to help kids take deep breaths. (It’s helpful to practice when they are not upset.) Another great way to teach kids to calm their bodies is to tell them to, “smell the roses, and blow out the birthday candles.” And finally, balloons are another great tool for teaching kids how to deep breathe. Blowing up a balloon requires them to take a deep breath and then let it out. This is just the first step, but helping kids learn to calm their bodies will help you to get to the second step of helping your child identify what they are feeling and finally talking about what to do about what they are feeling.

Talking Through Separation Anxiety

Like some of the kids that I see in my office, my almost four-year-old daughter has extreme separation anxiety. Getting to preschool can be a nightmare, and nights out for my husband and I have to include at least 30 minutes of prep time just to get her to stay with a babysitter. She does not like to go to friend's houses to play or to go on outings where she worries she will not know the other kids.  Her social anxiety fuels her separation anxiety. She has been wary of strangers since she was a baby. One of the first faces she mastered was the stink eye. Strangers would walk up and say, "What a pretty baby!" only to be met with the dirtiest look an 8 month old could muster. They would ask, "Why is she making that face?" I always felt it was pretty obvious she was making that face because she did not like them, but I always answered politely, "She is not fond of strangers. I guess she's a bit shy." My daughter comes by this honestly. There are introverts on both sides of her family, but knowing that does not make Tuesday and Thursday morning any easier. The worrying starts the night before with lots of questions and reminders that she does not want to go to school. It is the first thing out of her mouth in the morning. She starts with whining and it grows into a full blown tantrum as our departure grows closer; arms flailing, screaming, tears, body flopping on the floor. We have tried giving choices, rewarding her, giving consequences, talking about her emotions and none of it has worked. You might wonder why we continue to do this, and I don't blame you. We continue to do it, because that is how anxiety is treated. It is through exposure to that which causes anxiety that eases the fear. And, never going to school is not an option so we can tackle it now when she is going to the warm nurturing environment of her preschool, or we can tackle it at kindergarten when a bus drops her off on a playground full of big kids... And, you might be wondering why I am sharing this story. I think it's important for people who work with kids for a living to talk about their own difficulties. It puts it in perspective. Raising kids is hard work, and we all make mistakes. So, what did we do when nothing seemed to be working?

Well, we kept trying the same approaches hoping that we would have a break through, we empathized and consoled, and then I began reading "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dr. Daniel Siegel. In his book, Dr. Siegel explains 12 strategies for nurturing the mind of your child. Step 2, "Name It to Tame It" is the strategy that worked for my child. I had been using emotion coaching with her and naming the feelings associated with going to school seemed to help, but it didn't calm her down. I would ask her what was causing the feelings, but she always told me she didn't know. After reading the section of the book on "Naming It", I thought through my daughter's issue. Her school and teacher had not changed from last year, but the kids in her class had. She has a good friend in the class, and we thought that that would be enough for her, but it's not. The concept behind "Name It to Tame It" is that the child tells their story to calm big emotions. I'd been trying this by asking her what made her feel scared, but she couldn't tell me. So, I tried a new approach. I started telling the story for her. I started it by saying, “I bet it feels scary for you to go to school because there are so many new kids in your class. And, you don't know them. That makes you feel shy and lonely, huh?" She took it from there. I knew I'd nailed it, because she stopped crying and started telling me how hard it was to be in the class. She missed mom and dad and her sister and felt lonely for us. She told me her whole story about being at school. I empathized and listened. Once she was done, I asked if she was ready to go and she told me she was. She said it was hard to be brave, but she would do it. Because she felt that we really understood how hard it is, she stopped screaming and yelling. Some morning's she still regresses, especially when she's tired, but for the most part getting to school is much easier now.

If you have a child who is consistently having a tantrum about the same thing, and you’ve tried everything, try having them tell the story behind what’s making them upset. If you know a little background or have a hunch, follow your instincts and start the story for them. You’ll know if you’re right, if they agree with you and take over the story telling. If you get it wrong the first time, that’s ok. I did too. Originally I thought my daughter was scared because the first week of school she got stung by a bee. If you’re wrong, think about it some more and try again. When kids feel understood, big emotions are calmed. (The same is true for adults.)

Emotion Coaching Tools

Many of the kids that I see have a limited emotional vocabulary and those that do have an extensive emotional vocabulary often do not know how to talk about feelings. Lots of parents grew up the same way and often don't know how or don't have the tools to teach their kids how to talk about feelings. Feelings make most people uncomfortable, but the amazing thing is how much easier we can resolve conflict by simply opening up about how we feel.

I remember Marlo Thomas's "Free to Be You & Me" book and album making me aware of feelings as a child. I remember asking my mom, "Who doesn't think it's alright to cry?" I don't remember her response but I am sure it was a good one, because my mom was a natural emotion coach. What's an emotion coach and why does it matter?

Dr. John Gottman and the Talaris Institute studied families and children to learn what style of parenting is the most beneficial to kids. Dr. Gottman found that parents who emotion coach raise emotionally intelligent children who grow up to have decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety. They perform better in school and experience fewer illnesses.  He says that, "emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other's emotions, and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner." Emotion coaching parents notice when there is a shift in their child's emotion and take the opportunity to show empathy, discuss emotions and problem solve. (To read more on Dr. Gottman's study click here.)

This information is great, but how do you emotion coach? For many parents, it doesn't seem that easy. I can give you a few real life examples from my clients and my own kids. I like to use toys in both the office and at home. For example, I have a Jenga game in my office on which I have written questions about school and how to handle potential problems that come up. I don't have a question on every game piece, because that would be overwhelming for a child rendering the game no longer fun. But, when a player pulls a piece with a question, they read it aloud and discuss how they would feel in the given situation and what they would do. This is a great way for parents and kids to educate each other. I also really like Kimochis. I found them this summer in a little store in northern Michigan, and I fell in love. The toys are designed to teach kids about emotions. Each character has a personality similar to those of our own children and they come with feelings. I keep all 24 emotions in a bowl on my kitchen table and in my office. I have not found a better tool to help kids talk about their feelings.

I have a client who has not been on time to school all year. He gets really upset and stalls in every way possible. His mom is exhausted by the temper tantrums and at a loss. One morning she got out the Kimochis feelings and laid them on the table. She told her son to please pick out the feelings he had that morning. He chose angry, sad and jealous. His mom was surprised and asked him why he was sad. He went on to explain all of the feelings to his mom as she asked him questions about them. It turned out he was jealous that his little sister got to stay at home, sad because he might be missing something fun and mad that he had to go to school. They were still late that morning, but there was no temper tantrum and they made plans to do something together after school. This conversation did not solve all of their problems. But, it did open the door to more conversations about feelings and emotion coaching moments.

At home, I use the Kimochis feelings with my 3 year old to help develop her emotional vocabulary. She picks an emotion from the bowl and we talk about what it means, what people do when they feel that way and what we might need if we feel that way.

I never know if it's working until she comes up to me and says:
Her, “mama I'm really mad at daddy."
Me, "ok, what happened?"
Her, “he won't play tag with me anymore."
Me," that is frustrating. hhhmmm, what would you like to do about it?"
Her, “you tell him he has to play tag."
Me, “will that work?"
Her, "but that's what I want."
Me, "do you want a suggestion?" (She's only 3.:))
Her, "ok."
Me, "why not ask him to play a different game?"
Her, "ok! (running out of the room) Hey daddy do you want to play tic-tac-toe?!”

It only took five minutes and prevented a potentially big melt down. And that conversation happened because we talk about emotions and make it ok to have them. I promise I don't do it right every time, and I do lose my cool. It's ok, no one is perfect. If we try to talk about feelings and solutions as often as we can and admit our mistakes to ourselves and our kids, our interactions can be so much easier and our kids so much happier.

You can learn more about emotion coaching at http://www.gottman.com/ or  www.parentingcounts.org and locally (Seattle area) you can take free emotion coaching classes through www.encompassnw.org. If you have questions for me, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.

Sibling Arguments

Q: My daughters are 10 and 8. They are good friends, but they fight all of the time. I’d like to give them some skills to solve problems and end conflict. What do you suggest?

A: It can be exhausting to feel like you’re doing the job of a UN Peacekeeper just to keep the peace in your home. I think that there are a couple of helpful things you can do.

First, I am a big fan of discussing how to handle conflict when there is no conflict. Having a plan will help you to remain calm instead of reacting in the moment which can result in a regrettable incident for everyone involved. I recommend that families sit down and discuss how they will de-escalate the fight and what consequences are appropriate and agreed upon. Both parents have to feel comfortable with carrying out the chosen consequence. It is important to remember that in the midst of the fight both kids (and maybe even you) are feeling emotionally flooded and will not be able to talk about what happened. It is better to have a predetermined cooling off plan to give each kid (and you) the space to calm down. In a big fight, each person should cool down for at least 20 minutes before you try to talk about what happened.  Cool down suggestions: reading quietly, doing an art project alone, hanging out with a favorite pet or spending some time outside.

Second, Dr. John Gottman uses an amazing intervention with couples called The Rappaport Conflict Blueprint. I use this intervention with couples and with families. It is a great way for individuals to move from attack-defend mode. Here is how I would use it in this situation:

1.       The parent should tell each child that they should stop trying to convince others that they are right and their sibling is wrong. (Each child has their own perspective so this argument will go nowhere and will result in another conflict.)

2.       No blaming, during the conversation everyone needs to use “I statements”.  (Parents please give an example.)

3.       They should choose who will talk first and who will listen. Both kids will get a chance to talk.

4.       The kid who is talking should tell the kid who is listening what they feel using “I statements”, and then they should say what they need in a positive tense. (I need instead of I don’t need.)

5.       When the speaker is done talking the listener should repeat back what they heard the other person felt and what they need and what part of that makes sense to them.  

6.       It is ok to ask questions to make sure you understand each other well.

7.       Switch roles.

Parents, kids will need coaching and help with this exercise. The goal is not to decide who is right and who is wrong. The goal is to move the kids from attack-defend mode into a conversation. Once each kid feels understood, you can move to problem solving. This takes time at first, but once everyone gets used to it this will become second nature and you won’t have to intervene as often.

Help! My Kid Throws Massive Tantrums!

Question:
My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming
and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel
like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What
do you suggest?
Answer:
Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those
times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact,
you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that
our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability
to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any
number of things can set them off. Kids require our guidance to learn
emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need
us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences
for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like
they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are
uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in
the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our
child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural
to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling
doesn't help. There is a solution.
The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great
skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when
you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or
frustrated what helps you to feel better?" Keep exploring self
soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both
agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly.
We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is
important to let your child know that this is not a punishment.
Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child
are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what
happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or
scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go
overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and
begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry
and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to
behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize
when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill
will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
http://www.parentingcounts.org/ is a fantastic free research based resource
that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help
your child learn to process and express their emotions.

Changing Your Mind Set from the Negative Perspective to the Positive

"In the marital ecosystem, negativity is the predator." -John Gottman

The same is true for parent-child relationships. Many parents are aware that if their little kids keeps acting up, they are likely doing it for attention. Kids crave any attention even when it's negative. And, many teens feel like they can't talk to their parents because when they do it always turns into a conversation about what that teen could be doing better. In both these scenarios, parents and their children are interacting in and from the negative perspective. Negativity breeds more negativity and before you know it; you have a kid who is always acting up and an exhausted parent, or a parent and teen who just can't connect.

As I said in an earlier post, it is great to begin to practice catching your kids/teens doing things right. That will help significantly, and your kid will begin to have the behavior that you want because they will prefer the positive attention to the negative attention. Catching your teen doing things right will provide more opportunities to connect with each other.

Through my work at The Gottman Institute and in my private practice, I have been using Dr. Gottman's tools not just with couples but with families as well. Dr. Gottman has been researching the way couples interact for 40 years and he and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman now teach couples, through products and workshops, the skills learned through his research. I have taken those same tools and used them with families.

Tip for the day:

Increase the positive interactions in your family. Dr. Gottman suggests that couples build Love Maps of each other’s lives in order to learn more about each other and increase positive interactions in their relationships. You can and should do the same thing with your kids. Driving in the car between practice or sitting down for a meal is a great time to do this.

The premise behind this exercise is to have your child ask you a question about themselves and have you answer it. If you don't know the answer, that's ok, ask more questions and learn about your kid. And then reverse roles.

Example:

Kid: Who am I not getting along with right now?

Parent: I think it's Jacob.

Kid: No, that was last week. But Ben has been a real jerk.

Parent: I'm sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?

Now reverse it:

Parent: What is my favorite color?

Kid: Blue?

Parent: I like blue, but I like green a lot too.

Another great exercise is to ask each other open ended questions. An open ended question is any question that cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Example:

Parent: What was your favorite thing at school today?

Kid: Lunch, maybe recess.

Parent: What did you do that made it fun or different?

If your kid answers, I don't know. Ask them, “if you did know, what would you tell me?”

Have fun with this and learn more about each other. Increasing positive interactions in your relationship will make the difficult ones easier to manage.

Take the Struggle Out of Talks About Grades

Every fall like clockwork my phone starts ringing after conferences. The conversation I so often find myself having with parents and teens is, how do we talk about grades and school work? It usually goes something like this:

Teen: "My dad is so annoying. It's all he talks about. The moment I get in the car, he only wants to know about my homework and what I'm doing to get my homework done, have I studied for the test Friday. It stresses me out. I hate it."

Parent: "I don't know what to do. Nothing I say or do matters. I take away the phone, the media, she's grounded. It does not matter. It is like she doesn't care about school or grades. She'll never get into college. What should I do?"

Teens want independence, freedom of choice and to feel understood. They are also hard wired not to see beyond the present. While they may plan to go to college, for many of them that is a vague concept of something to come in the future. As parents, we are so concerned and frankly scared about the future that we forget to meet them where they are at in the present. The power struggle that ensues is frustrating for both. And, left unchecked, it can damage the relationship.

Parent's, imagine if your boss checked in with you every afternoon to make sure you had completed all the tasks assigned to you that day, or if they asked or hounded you daily about an upcoming presentation. None of us likes to be micromanaged. It increases feelings of anxiety and stress and ultimately makes it harder for us to do our jobs. Your teenager is no different. And, if they are not given the space to try they will not learn the valuable skill of time management or have the satisfaction of completing a task on their own.

So, how do you manage parental anxiety and make sure they get their homework done? I suggest making a plan at the beginning of the school year that you both agree upon. And, come up with predetermined solution-based natural consequences together for problems with grades and homework. Don't wait until there is a problem. An example of this is, ask your child what their plan is to manage homework this year, ask them if they would like help making a plan if they do not already have one. Let them know that you will be checking their grades online and that you will be meeting with them once a month over coffee, smoothies, whatever works for you, to discuss how classes are going, what your concerns are if any and you want them to be prepared to tell you honestly if they need help with anything. If your child is struggling with school, it is a good idea to increase the meetings to once a week, but stick to it. If you see something online that makes you really concerned, write it down to discuss in your meeting instead of pouncing on them the minute they get home. I know it’s hard when you’re worried not to act. And, in emergency situations you should not wait, but in most cases it can wait until the meeting.

Your teenager is working hard to establish independence, when the opportunity arises to catch them doing something right or something that you admire, praise them with specific details about what you like. These positive interactions are the building blocks for a positive relationship with your teen as they enter young adulthood. If you increase the positivity in your relationship, they will be more willing to come to the table and talk about the things they are struggling with.

Back to School Anxiety

Question: My 8 year old daughter struggles with transitions. She has
big meltdowns and tantrums when changes in her schedule occur, or if
she has to do something new like go back to school to a new classroom
and teacher. How can I help her prepare for the new school year?

Answer: Most kids have a hard time with transitions and some anxiety
about a new school year, but when kids have added anxiety it can make
the transition extremely difficult for everyone at home. Kids have to
learn an emotional vocabulary the same way they have to learn their
vocabulary words in school and you can help. Ask your child about her
concerns for the new school year. If she says, “I don't know." Offer
some suggestions like, "If I were going back to school I might be
worried about having a teacher I don't know or new kids in the class
that I don't know. That would make me feel anxious and even a little
scared." Once the conversation starts going, help your child label
feelings, and ask if they would like to talk about solutions. For
example, "How can I help you feel better about your first day?" Also,
give your child exercises to have control over a project that
increases positive feelings about the first day back. For example, use
day-of-the week hangers to have your child create their wardrobe for
the week, be sure to remind them that you get the final say, but let
them be creative. And finally, make a plan to talk about the first
couple of days of school, maybe ice cream cones after dinner or a walk
to the park. During these conversations it is important to let your
child know that it is ok to feel anxious, scared, worried, mad, etc.
but it is not ok to throw a big tantrum, hit scream, yell. If they are
feeling any of the above big emotions they can talk to you or have
quiet alone time until they feel ready to talk to you. (Quiet time is
not a punishment or a time out. It is a previously agreed upon quiet
activity that your child does to self soothe when flooded with
emotions.) Kids need time to process, so it's ok to ask questions
the first day of school but try not to grill your child.