Help! My Kid Throws Massive Tantrums!

Question:
My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming
and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel
like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What
do you suggest?
Answer:
Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those
times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact,
you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that
our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability
to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any
number of things can set them off. Kids require our guidance to learn
emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need
us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences
for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like
they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are
uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in
the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our
child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural
to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling
doesn't help. There is a solution.
The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great
skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when
you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or
frustrated what helps you to feel better?" Keep exploring self
soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both
agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly.
We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is
important to let your child know that this is not a punishment.
Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child
are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what
happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or
scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go
overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and
begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry
and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to
behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize
when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill
will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
http://www.parentingcounts.org/ is a fantastic free research based resource
that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help
your child learn to process and express their emotions.

Changing Your Mind Set from the Negative Perspective to the Positive

"In the marital ecosystem, negativity is the predator." -John Gottman

The same is true for parent-child relationships. Many parents are aware that if their little kids keeps acting up, they are likely doing it for attention. Kids crave any attention even when it's negative. And, many teens feel like they can't talk to their parents because when they do it always turns into a conversation about what that teen could be doing better. In both these scenarios, parents and their children are interacting in and from the negative perspective. Negativity breeds more negativity and before you know it; you have a kid who is always acting up and an exhausted parent, or a parent and teen who just can't connect.

As I said in an earlier post, it is great to begin to practice catching your kids/teens doing things right. That will help significantly, and your kid will begin to have the behavior that you want because they will prefer the positive attention to the negative attention. Catching your teen doing things right will provide more opportunities to connect with each other.

Through my work at The Gottman Institute and in my private practice, I have been using Dr. Gottman's tools not just with couples but with families as well. Dr. Gottman has been researching the way couples interact for 40 years and he and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman now teach couples, through products and workshops, the skills learned through his research. I have taken those same tools and used them with families.

Tip for the day:

Increase the positive interactions in your family. Dr. Gottman suggests that couples build Love Maps of each other’s lives in order to learn more about each other and increase positive interactions in their relationships. You can and should do the same thing with your kids. Driving in the car between practice or sitting down for a meal is a great time to do this.

The premise behind this exercise is to have your child ask you a question about themselves and have you answer it. If you don't know the answer, that's ok, ask more questions and learn about your kid. And then reverse roles.

Example:

Kid: Who am I not getting along with right now?

Parent: I think it's Jacob.

Kid: No, that was last week. But Ben has been a real jerk.

Parent: I'm sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?

Now reverse it:

Parent: What is my favorite color?

Kid: Blue?

Parent: I like blue, but I like green a lot too.

Another great exercise is to ask each other open ended questions. An open ended question is any question that cannot be answered with a yes or no.

Example:

Parent: What was your favorite thing at school today?

Kid: Lunch, maybe recess.

Parent: What did you do that made it fun or different?

If your kid answers, I don't know. Ask them, “if you did know, what would you tell me?”

Have fun with this and learn more about each other. Increasing positive interactions in your relationship will make the difficult ones easier to manage.

Take the Struggle Out of Talks About Grades

Every fall like clockwork my phone starts ringing after conferences. The conversation I so often find myself having with parents and teens is, how do we talk about grades and school work? It usually goes something like this:

Teen: "My dad is so annoying. It's all he talks about. The moment I get in the car, he only wants to know about my homework and what I'm doing to get my homework done, have I studied for the test Friday. It stresses me out. I hate it."

Parent: "I don't know what to do. Nothing I say or do matters. I take away the phone, the media, she's grounded. It does not matter. It is like she doesn't care about school or grades. She'll never get into college. What should I do?"

Teens want independence, freedom of choice and to feel understood. They are also hard wired not to see beyond the present. While they may plan to go to college, for many of them that is a vague concept of something to come in the future. As parents, we are so concerned and frankly scared about the future that we forget to meet them where they are at in the present. The power struggle that ensues is frustrating for both. And, left unchecked, it can damage the relationship.

Parent's, imagine if your boss checked in with you every afternoon to make sure you had completed all the tasks assigned to you that day, or if they asked or hounded you daily about an upcoming presentation. None of us likes to be micromanaged. It increases feelings of anxiety and stress and ultimately makes it harder for us to do our jobs. Your teenager is no different. And, if they are not given the space to try they will not learn the valuable skill of time management or have the satisfaction of completing a task on their own.

So, how do you manage parental anxiety and make sure they get their homework done? I suggest making a plan at the beginning of the school year that you both agree upon. And, come up with predetermined solution-based natural consequences together for problems with grades and homework. Don't wait until there is a problem. An example of this is, ask your child what their plan is to manage homework this year, ask them if they would like help making a plan if they do not already have one. Let them know that you will be checking their grades online and that you will be meeting with them once a month over coffee, smoothies, whatever works for you, to discuss how classes are going, what your concerns are if any and you want them to be prepared to tell you honestly if they need help with anything. If your child is struggling with school, it is a good idea to increase the meetings to once a week, but stick to it. If you see something online that makes you really concerned, write it down to discuss in your meeting instead of pouncing on them the minute they get home. I know it’s hard when you’re worried not to act. And, in emergency situations you should not wait, but in most cases it can wait until the meeting.

Your teenager is working hard to establish independence, when the opportunity arises to catch them doing something right or something that you admire, praise them with specific details about what you like. These positive interactions are the building blocks for a positive relationship with your teen as they enter young adulthood. If you increase the positivity in your relationship, they will be more willing to come to the table and talk about the things they are struggling with.

Back to School Anxiety

Question: My 8 year old daughter struggles with transitions. She has
big meltdowns and tantrums when changes in her schedule occur, or if
she has to do something new like go back to school to a new classroom
and teacher. How can I help her prepare for the new school year?

Answer: Most kids have a hard time with transitions and some anxiety
about a new school year, but when kids have added anxiety it can make
the transition extremely difficult for everyone at home. Kids have to
learn an emotional vocabulary the same way they have to learn their
vocabulary words in school and you can help. Ask your child about her
concerns for the new school year. If she says, “I don't know." Offer
some suggestions like, "If I were going back to school I might be
worried about having a teacher I don't know or new kids in the class
that I don't know. That would make me feel anxious and even a little
scared." Once the conversation starts going, help your child label
feelings, and ask if they would like to talk about solutions. For
example, "How can I help you feel better about your first day?" Also,
give your child exercises to have control over a project that
increases positive feelings about the first day back. For example, use
day-of-the week hangers to have your child create their wardrobe for
the week, be sure to remind them that you get the final say, but let
them be creative. And finally, make a plan to talk about the first
couple of days of school, maybe ice cream cones after dinner or a walk
to the park. During these conversations it is important to let your
child know that it is ok to feel anxious, scared, worried, mad, etc.
but it is not ok to throw a big tantrum, hit scream, yell. If they are
feeling any of the above big emotions they can talk to you or have
quiet alone time until they feel ready to talk to you. (Quiet time is
not a punishment or a time out. It is a previously agreed upon quiet
activity that your child does to self soothe when flooded with
emotions.) Kids need time to process, so it's ok to ask questions
the first day of school but try not to grill your child.