Take the Struggle Out of Talks About Grades

Every fall like clockwork my phone starts ringing after conferences. The conversation I so often find myself having with parents and teens is, how do we talk about grades and school work? It usually goes something like this:

Teen: "My dad is so annoying. It's all he talks about. The moment I get in the car, he only wants to know about my homework and what I'm doing to get my homework done, have I studied for the test Friday. It stresses me out. I hate it."

Parent: "I don't know what to do. Nothing I say or do matters. I take away the phone, the media, she's grounded. It does not matter. It is like she doesn't care about school or grades. She'll never get into college. What should I do?"

Teens want independence, freedom of choice and to feel understood. They are also hard wired not to see beyond the present. While they may plan to go to college, for many of them that is a vague concept of something to come in the future. As parents, we are so concerned and frankly scared about the future that we forget to meet them where they are at in the present. The power struggle that ensues is frustrating for both. And, left unchecked, it can damage the relationship.

Parent's, imagine if your boss checked in with you every afternoon to make sure you had completed all the tasks assigned to you that day, or if they asked or hounded you daily about an upcoming presentation. None of us likes to be micromanaged. It increases feelings of anxiety and stress and ultimately makes it harder for us to do our jobs. Your teenager is no different. And, if they are not given the space to try they will not learn the valuable skill of time management or have the satisfaction of completing a task on their own.

So, how do you manage parental anxiety and make sure they get their homework done? I suggest making a plan at the beginning of the school year that you both agree upon. And, come up with predetermined solution-based natural consequences together for problems with grades and homework. Don't wait until there is a problem. An example of this is, ask your child what their plan is to manage homework this year, ask them if they would like help making a plan if they do not already have one. Let them know that you will be checking their grades online and that you will be meeting with them once a month over coffee, smoothies, whatever works for you, to discuss how classes are going, what your concerns are if any and you want them to be prepared to tell you honestly if they need help with anything. If your child is struggling with school, it is a good idea to increase the meetings to once a week, but stick to it. If you see something online that makes you really concerned, write it down to discuss in your meeting instead of pouncing on them the minute they get home. I know it’s hard when you’re worried not to act. And, in emergency situations you should not wait, but in most cases it can wait until the meeting.

Your teenager is working hard to establish independence, when the opportunity arises to catch them doing something right or something that you admire, praise them with specific details about what you like. These positive interactions are the building blocks for a positive relationship with your teen as they enter young adulthood. If you increase the positivity in your relationship, they will be more willing to come to the table and talk about the things they are struggling with.