Emotion Coaching Tools

Many of the kids that I see have a limited emotional vocabulary and those that do have an extensive emotional vocabulary often do not know how to talk about feelings. Lots of parents grew up the same way and often don't know how or don't have the tools to teach their kids how to talk about feelings. Feelings make most people uncomfortable, but the amazing thing is how much easier we can resolve conflict by simply opening up about how we feel.

I remember Marlo Thomas's "Free to Be You & Me" book and album making me aware of feelings as a child. I remember asking my mom, "Who doesn't think it's alright to cry?" I don't remember her response but I am sure it was a good one, because my mom was a natural emotion coach. What's an emotion coach and why does it matter?

Dr. John Gottman and the Talaris Institute studied families and children to learn what style of parenting is the most beneficial to kids. Dr. Gottman found that parents who emotion coach raise emotionally intelligent children who grow up to have decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety. They perform better in school and experience fewer illnesses.  He says that, "emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other's emotions, and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner." Emotion coaching parents notice when there is a shift in their child's emotion and take the opportunity to show empathy, discuss emotions and problem solve. (To read more on Dr. Gottman's study click here.)

This information is great, but how do you emotion coach? For many parents, it doesn't seem that easy. I can give you a few real life examples from my clients and my own kids. I like to use toys in both the office and at home. For example, I have a Jenga game in my office on which I have written questions about school and how to handle potential problems that come up. I don't have a question on every game piece, because that would be overwhelming for a child rendering the game no longer fun. But, when a player pulls a piece with a question, they read it aloud and discuss how they would feel in the given situation and what they would do. This is a great way for parents and kids to educate each other. I also really like Kimochis. I found them this summer in a little store in northern Michigan, and I fell in love. The toys are designed to teach kids about emotions. Each character has a personality similar to those of our own children and they come with feelings. I keep all 24 emotions in a bowl on my kitchen table and in my office. I have not found a better tool to help kids talk about their feelings.

I have a client who has not been on time to school all year. He gets really upset and stalls in every way possible. His mom is exhausted by the temper tantrums and at a loss. One morning she got out the Kimochis feelings and laid them on the table. She told her son to please pick out the feelings he had that morning. He chose angry, sad and jealous. His mom was surprised and asked him why he was sad. He went on to explain all of the feelings to his mom as she asked him questions about them. It turned out he was jealous that his little sister got to stay at home, sad because he might be missing something fun and mad that he had to go to school. They were still late that morning, but there was no temper tantrum and they made plans to do something together after school. This conversation did not solve all of their problems. But, it did open the door to more conversations about feelings and emotion coaching moments.

At home, I use the Kimochis feelings with my 3 year old to help develop her emotional vocabulary. She picks an emotion from the bowl and we talk about what it means, what people do when they feel that way and what we might need if we feel that way.

I never know if it's working until she comes up to me and says:
Her, “mama I'm really mad at daddy."
Me, "ok, what happened?"
Her, “he won't play tag with me anymore."
Me," that is frustrating. hhhmmm, what would you like to do about it?"
Her, “you tell him he has to play tag."
Me, “will that work?"
Her, "but that's what I want."
Me, "do you want a suggestion?" (She's only 3.:))
Her, "ok."
Me, "why not ask him to play a different game?"
Her, "ok! (running out of the room) Hey daddy do you want to play tic-tac-toe?!”

It only took five minutes and prevented a potentially big melt down. And that conversation happened because we talk about emotions and make it ok to have them. I promise I don't do it right every time, and I do lose my cool. It's ok, no one is perfect. If we try to talk about feelings and solutions as often as we can and admit our mistakes to ourselves and our kids, our interactions can be so much easier and our kids so much happier.

You can learn more about emotion coaching at http://www.gottman.com/ or  www.parentingcounts.org and locally (Seattle area) you can take free emotion coaching classes through www.encompassnw.org. If you have questions for me, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.

Sibling Arguments

Q: My daughters are 10 and 8. They are good friends, but they fight all of the time. I’d like to give them some skills to solve problems and end conflict. What do you suggest?

A: It can be exhausting to feel like you’re doing the job of a UN Peacekeeper just to keep the peace in your home. I think that there are a couple of helpful things you can do.

First, I am a big fan of discussing how to handle conflict when there is no conflict. Having a plan will help you to remain calm instead of reacting in the moment which can result in a regrettable incident for everyone involved. I recommend that families sit down and discuss how they will de-escalate the fight and what consequences are appropriate and agreed upon. Both parents have to feel comfortable with carrying out the chosen consequence. It is important to remember that in the midst of the fight both kids (and maybe even you) are feeling emotionally flooded and will not be able to talk about what happened. It is better to have a predetermined cooling off plan to give each kid (and you) the space to calm down. In a big fight, each person should cool down for at least 20 minutes before you try to talk about what happened.  Cool down suggestions: reading quietly, doing an art project alone, hanging out with a favorite pet or spending some time outside.

Second, Dr. John Gottman uses an amazing intervention with couples called The Rappaport Conflict Blueprint. I use this intervention with couples and with families. It is a great way for individuals to move from attack-defend mode. Here is how I would use it in this situation:

1.       The parent should tell each child that they should stop trying to convince others that they are right and their sibling is wrong. (Each child has their own perspective so this argument will go nowhere and will result in another conflict.)

2.       No blaming, during the conversation everyone needs to use “I statements”.  (Parents please give an example.)

3.       They should choose who will talk first and who will listen. Both kids will get a chance to talk.

4.       The kid who is talking should tell the kid who is listening what they feel using “I statements”, and then they should say what they need in a positive tense. (I need instead of I don’t need.)

5.       When the speaker is done talking the listener should repeat back what they heard the other person felt and what they need and what part of that makes sense to them.  

6.       It is ok to ask questions to make sure you understand each other well.

7.       Switch roles.

Parents, kids will need coaching and help with this exercise. The goal is not to decide who is right and who is wrong. The goal is to move the kids from attack-defend mode into a conversation. Once each kid feels understood, you can move to problem solving. This takes time at first, but once everyone gets used to it this will become second nature and you won’t have to intervene as often.