Help! My Kid Throws Massive Tantrums!

Question:
My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming
and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel
like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What
do you suggest?
Answer:
Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those
times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact,
you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that
our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability
to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any
number of things can set them off. Kids require our guidance to learn
emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need
us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences
for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like
they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are
uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in
the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our
child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural
to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling
doesn't help. There is a solution.
The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great
skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when
you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or
frustrated what helps you to feel better?" Keep exploring self
soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both
agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly.
We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is
important to let your child know that this is not a punishment.
Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child
are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what
happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or
scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go
overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and
begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry
and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to
behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize
when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill
will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
http://www.parentingcounts.org/ is a fantastic free research based resource
that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help
your child learn to process and express their emotions.