Talking Through Separation Anxiety

Like some of the kids that I see in my office, my almost four-year-old daughter has extreme separation anxiety. Getting to preschool can be a nightmare, and nights out for my husband and I have to include at least 30 minutes of prep time just to get her to stay with a babysitter. She does not like to go to friend's houses to play or to go on outings where she worries she will not know the other kids.  Her social anxiety fuels her separation anxiety. She has been wary of strangers since she was a baby. One of the first faces she mastered was the stink eye. Strangers would walk up and say, "What a pretty baby!" only to be met with the dirtiest look an 8 month old could muster. They would ask, "Why is she making that face?" I always felt it was pretty obvious she was making that face because she did not like them, but I always answered politely, "She is not fond of strangers. I guess she's a bit shy." My daughter comes by this honestly. There are introverts on both sides of her family, but knowing that does not make Tuesday and Thursday morning any easier. The worrying starts the night before with lots of questions and reminders that she does not want to go to school. It is the first thing out of her mouth in the morning. She starts with whining and it grows into a full blown tantrum as our departure grows closer; arms flailing, screaming, tears, body flopping on the floor. We have tried giving choices, rewarding her, giving consequences, talking about her emotions and none of it has worked. You might wonder why we continue to do this, and I don't blame you. We continue to do it, because that is how anxiety is treated. It is through exposure to that which causes anxiety that eases the fear. And, never going to school is not an option so we can tackle it now when she is going to the warm nurturing environment of her preschool, or we can tackle it at kindergarten when a bus drops her off on a playground full of big kids... And, you might be wondering why I am sharing this story. I think it's important for people who work with kids for a living to talk about their own difficulties. It puts it in perspective. Raising kids is hard work, and we all make mistakes. So, what did we do when nothing seemed to be working?

Well, we kept trying the same approaches hoping that we would have a break through, we empathized and consoled, and then I began reading "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dr. Daniel Siegel. In his book, Dr. Siegel explains 12 strategies for nurturing the mind of your child. Step 2, "Name It to Tame It" is the strategy that worked for my child. I had been using emotion coaching with her and naming the feelings associated with going to school seemed to help, but it didn't calm her down. I would ask her what was causing the feelings, but she always told me she didn't know. After reading the section of the book on "Naming It", I thought through my daughter's issue. Her school and teacher had not changed from last year, but the kids in her class had. She has a good friend in the class, and we thought that that would be enough for her, but it's not. The concept behind "Name It to Tame It" is that the child tells their story to calm big emotions. I'd been trying this by asking her what made her feel scared, but she couldn't tell me. So, I tried a new approach. I started telling the story for her. I started it by saying, “I bet it feels scary for you to go to school because there are so many new kids in your class. And, you don't know them. That makes you feel shy and lonely, huh?" She took it from there. I knew I'd nailed it, because she stopped crying and started telling me how hard it was to be in the class. She missed mom and dad and her sister and felt lonely for us. She told me her whole story about being at school. I empathized and listened. Once she was done, I asked if she was ready to go and she told me she was. She said it was hard to be brave, but she would do it. Because she felt that we really understood how hard it is, she stopped screaming and yelling. Some morning's she still regresses, especially when she's tired, but for the most part getting to school is much easier now.

If you have a child who is consistently having a tantrum about the same thing, and you’ve tried everything, try having them tell the story behind what’s making them upset. If you know a little background or have a hunch, follow your instincts and start the story for them. You’ll know if you’re right, if they agree with you and take over the story telling. If you get it wrong the first time, that’s ok. I did too. Originally I thought my daughter was scared because the first week of school she got stung by a bee. If you’re wrong, think about it some more and try again. When kids feel understood, big emotions are calmed. (The same is true for adults.)