Hello. It has been too long since I posted here, because I have been so busy writing for the Kimochis Way Blog and Macaroni Kid. So until I have time to get back here and write, you can find me here:
www.kimochisblog.tumblr.com
http://snoqualmievalley.macaronikid.com/article/289881/katies-monthly-family-advice-column
~ Katie
Monday, June 4, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Diffusing a Tantrum
Question:
What do I do when my kid throws a tantrum just as we are walking out the door?
Answer:
That’s a great question, and this has happened to all of us. Kids throw tantrums for many reasons, and you are the expert on your child. With the multitudes of books on parenting and discipline, it’s easy to second guess yourself. BUT, you should listen to your instincts. Ask yourself, is this about getting my attention, avoiding school, or frustration about something that just happened? Once you’ve determined the cause, it could be one or none of these reasons; you can move the tantrum along by naming the problem. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this, “Name it to Tame it”. So you might say, “I can see that you are frustrated about not being able to find an umbrella to take to school, and I hear that you’re angry about it. I know it’s a bummer to feel that way.” Naming the problem and feelings and validating your child’s feelings will help to calm them a bit. Remember, according to Dr. John Gottman, validating your child’s feelings does not mean that you agree with them or that their behavior is ok, it simply means that you understand why they feel what they feel. After naming and validating, it’s fine to say, “it’s ok that you’re mad, but we’re going to be late, so, you’re going to have to be mad in the car. I am leaving now, are you coming?” Once you’re in the car, hopefully you’re feeling a bit less stressed about time and you can connect about what your child is expecting that day. If they are feeling worried about school, you can discuss it. If they want attention, now they are getting your positive attention. And, if the real issue is that your child simply wanted the umbrella, ask them what they would have done had they had the umbrella. Often asking your child to imagine the outcome they wanted helps them to calm down and feel better about the outcome.
What do I do when my kid throws a tantrum just as we are walking out the door?
Answer:
That’s a great question, and this has happened to all of us. Kids throw tantrums for many reasons, and you are the expert on your child. With the multitudes of books on parenting and discipline, it’s easy to second guess yourself. BUT, you should listen to your instincts. Ask yourself, is this about getting my attention, avoiding school, or frustration about something that just happened? Once you’ve determined the cause, it could be one or none of these reasons; you can move the tantrum along by naming the problem. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this, “Name it to Tame it”. So you might say, “I can see that you are frustrated about not being able to find an umbrella to take to school, and I hear that you’re angry about it. I know it’s a bummer to feel that way.” Naming the problem and feelings and validating your child’s feelings will help to calm them a bit. Remember, according to Dr. John Gottman, validating your child’s feelings does not mean that you agree with them or that their behavior is ok, it simply means that you understand why they feel what they feel. After naming and validating, it’s fine to say, “it’s ok that you’re mad, but we’re going to be late, so, you’re going to have to be mad in the car. I am leaving now, are you coming?” Once you’re in the car, hopefully you’re feeling a bit less stressed about time and you can connect about what your child is expecting that day. If they are feeling worried about school, you can discuss it. If they want attention, now they are getting your positive attention. And, if the real issue is that your child simply wanted the umbrella, ask them what they would have done had they had the umbrella. Often asking your child to imagine the outcome they wanted helps them to calm down and feel better about the outcome.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Helping Your Child to Self Soothe
Q: I try to help my child calm down when she’s upset, but she tells me that she can’t calm down. How do I help her to learn to calm her body?
A: Many kids and adults are not aware when they become emotionally flooded, and they don’t know how to calm themselves down. When our heart rate goes up, we stop thinking and behaving logically. It takes at least 20 minutes for anyone to calm down their body and soothe themselves. Kids don’t know how to do this on their own. They need help from adults to learn how to self soothe. When I tell my 3 year old to take deep breaths when she is upset, she has said, “I don’t know how!” There are a few simple ways to teach your child how to take deep breaths when they are upset. The first is to get some mini-pinwheels. You can get them at Oriental Trading Company. Using a pinwheel is a great way to help kids take deep breaths. (It’s helpful to practice when they are not upset.) Another great way to teach kids to calm their bodies is to tell them to, “smell the roses, and blow out the birthday candles.” And finally, balloons are another great tool for teaching kids how to deep breathe. Blowing up a balloon requires them to take a deep breath and then let it out. This is just the first step, but helping kids learn to calm their bodies will help you to get to the second step of helping your child identify what they are feeling and finally talking about what to do about what they are feeling.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Talking Through Separation Anxiety
Like some of the kids that I see in my office, my almost four-year-old daughter has extreme separation anxiety. Getting to preschool can be a nightmare, and nights out for my husband and I have to include at least 30 minutes of prep time just to get her to stay with a babysitter. She does not like to go to friend's houses to play or to go on outings where she worries she will not know the other kids. Her social anxiety fuels her separation anxiety. She has been wary of strangers since she was a baby. One of the first faces she mastered was the stink eye. Strangers would walk up and say, "What a pretty baby!" only to be met with the dirtiest look an 8 month old could muster. They would ask, "Why is she making that face?" I always felt it was pretty obvious she was making that face because she did not like them, but I always answered politely, "She is not fond of strangers. I guess she's a bit shy." My daughter comes by this honestly. There are introverts on both sides of her family, but knowing that does not make Tuesday and Thursday morning any easier. The worrying starts the night before with lots of questions and reminders that she does not want to go to school. It is the first thing out of her mouth in the morning. She starts with whining and it grows into a full blown tantrum as our departure grows closer; arms flailing, screaming, tears, body flopping on the floor. We have tried giving choices, rewarding her, giving consequences, talking about her emotions and none of it has worked. You might wonder why we continue to do this, and I don't blame you. We continue to do it, because that is how anxiety is treated. It is through exposure to that which causes anxiety that eases the fear. And, never going to school is not an option so we can tackle it now when she is going to the warm nurturing environment of her preschool, or we can tackle it at kindergarten when a bus drops her off on a playground full of big kids... And, you might be wondering why I am sharing this story. I think it's important for people who work with kids for a living to talk about their own difficulties. It puts it in perspective. Raising kids is hard work, and we all make mistakes. So, what did we do when nothing seemed to be working?
Well, we kept trying the same approaches hoping that we would have a break through, we empathized and consoled, and then I began reading "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dr. Daniel Siegel. In his book, Dr. Siegel explains 12 strategies for nurturing the mind of your child. Step 2, "Name It to Tame It" is the strategy that worked for my child. I had been using emotion coaching with her and naming the feelings associated with going to school seemed to help, but it didn't calm her down. I would ask her what was causing the feelings, but she always told me she didn't know. After reading the section of the book on "Naming It", I thought through my daughter's issue. Her school and teacher had not changed from last year, but the kids in her class had. She has a good friend in the class, and we thought that that would be enough for her, but it's not. The concept behind "Name It to Tame It" is that the child tells their story to calm big emotions. I'd been trying this by asking her what made her feel scared, but she couldn't tell me. So, I tried a new approach. I started telling the story for her. I started it by saying, “I bet it feels scary for you to go to school because there are so many new kids in your class. And, you don't know them. That makes you feel shy and lonely, huh?" She took it from there. I knew I'd nailed it, because she stopped crying and started telling me how hard it was to be in the class. She missed mom and dad and her sister and felt lonely for us. She told me her whole story about being at school. I empathized and listened. Once she was done, I asked if she was ready to go and she told me she was. She said it was hard to be brave, but she would do it. Because she felt that we really understood how hard it is, she stopped screaming and yelling. Some morning's she still regresses, especially when she's tired, but for the most part getting to school is much easier now.
If you have a child who is consistently having a tantrum about the same thing, and you’ve tried everything, try having them tell the story behind what’s making them upset. If you know a little background or have a hunch, follow your instincts and start the story for them. You’ll know if you’re right, if they agree with you and take over the story telling. If you get it wrong the first time, that’s ok. I did too. Originally I thought my daughter was scared because the first week of school she got stung by a bee. If you’re wrong, think about it some more and try again. When kids feel understood, big emotions are calmed. (The same is true for adults.)
Well, we kept trying the same approaches hoping that we would have a break through, we empathized and consoled, and then I began reading "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dr. Daniel Siegel. In his book, Dr. Siegel explains 12 strategies for nurturing the mind of your child. Step 2, "Name It to Tame It" is the strategy that worked for my child. I had been using emotion coaching with her and naming the feelings associated with going to school seemed to help, but it didn't calm her down. I would ask her what was causing the feelings, but she always told me she didn't know. After reading the section of the book on "Naming It", I thought through my daughter's issue. Her school and teacher had not changed from last year, but the kids in her class had. She has a good friend in the class, and we thought that that would be enough for her, but it's not. The concept behind "Name It to Tame It" is that the child tells their story to calm big emotions. I'd been trying this by asking her what made her feel scared, but she couldn't tell me. So, I tried a new approach. I started telling the story for her. I started it by saying, “I bet it feels scary for you to go to school because there are so many new kids in your class. And, you don't know them. That makes you feel shy and lonely, huh?" She took it from there. I knew I'd nailed it, because she stopped crying and started telling me how hard it was to be in the class. She missed mom and dad and her sister and felt lonely for us. She told me her whole story about being at school. I empathized and listened. Once she was done, I asked if she was ready to go and she told me she was. She said it was hard to be brave, but she would do it. Because she felt that we really understood how hard it is, she stopped screaming and yelling. Some morning's she still regresses, especially when she's tired, but for the most part getting to school is much easier now.
If you have a child who is consistently having a tantrum about the same thing, and you’ve tried everything, try having them tell the story behind what’s making them upset. If you know a little background or have a hunch, follow your instincts and start the story for them. You’ll know if you’re right, if they agree with you and take over the story telling. If you get it wrong the first time, that’s ok. I did too. Originally I thought my daughter was scared because the first week of school she got stung by a bee. If you’re wrong, think about it some more and try again. When kids feel understood, big emotions are calmed. (The same is true for adults.)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Emotion Coaching Tools
Many of the kids that I see have a limited emotional vocabulary and those that do have an extensive emotional vocabulary often do not know how to talk about feelings. Lots of parents grew up the same way and often don't know how or don't have the tools to teach their kids how to talk about feelings. Feelings make most people uncomfortable, but the amazing thing is how much easier we can resolve conflict by simply opening up about how we feel.
I remember Marlo Thomas's "Free to Be You & Me" book and album making me aware of feelings as a child. I remember asking my mom, "Who doesn't think it's alright to cry?" I don't remember her response but I am sure it was a good one, because my mom was a natural emotion coach. What's an emotion coach and why does it matter?
Dr. John Gottman and the Talaris Institute studied families and children to learn what style of parenting is the most beneficial to kids. Dr. Gottman found that parents who emotion coach raise emotionally intelligent children who grow up to have decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety. They perform better in school and experience fewer illnesses. He says that, "emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other's emotions, and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner." Emotion coaching parents notice when there is a shift in their child's emotion and take the opportunity to show empathy, discuss emotions and problem solve. (To read more on Dr. Gottman's study click here.)
This information is great, but how do you emotion coach? For many parents, it doesn't seem that easy. I can give you a few real life examples from my clients and my own kids. I like to use toys in both the office and at home. For example, I have a Jenga game in my office on which I have written questions about school and how to handle potential problems that come up. I don't have a question on every game piece, because that would be overwhelming for a child rendering the game no longer fun. But, when a player pulls a piece with a question, they read it aloud and discuss how they would feel in the given situation and what they would do. This is a great way for parents and kids to educate each other. I also really like Kimochis. I found them this summer in a little store in northern Michigan, and I fell in love. The toys are designed to teach kids about emotions. Each character has a personality similar to those of our own children and they come with feelings. I keep all 24 emotions in a bowl on my kitchen table and in my office. I have not found a better tool to help kids talk about their feelings.
I have a client who has not been on time to school all year. He gets really upset and stalls in every way possible. His mom is exhausted by the temper tantrums and at a loss. One morning she got out the Kimochis feelings and laid them on the table. She told her son to please pick out the feelings he had that morning. He chose angry, sad and jealous. His mom was surprised and asked him why he was sad. He went on to explain all of the feelings to his mom as she asked him questions about them. It turned out he was jealous that his little sister got to stay at home, sad because he might be missing something fun and mad that he had to go to school. They were still late that morning, but there was no temper tantrum and they made plans to do something together after school. This conversation did not solve all of their problems. But, it did open the door to more conversations about feelings and emotion coaching moments.
At home, I use the Kimochis feelings with my 3 year old to help develop her emotional vocabulary. She picks an emotion from the bowl and we talk about what it means, what people do when they feel that way and what we might need if we feel that way.
I never know if it's working until she comes up to me and says:
Her, “mama I'm really mad at daddy."
Me, "ok, what happened?"
Her, “he won't play tag with me anymore."
Me," that is frustrating. hhhmmm, what would you like to do about it?"
Her, “you tell him he has to play tag."
Me, “will that work?"
Her, "but that's what I want."
Me, "do you want a suggestion?" (She's only 3.:))
Her, "ok."
Me, "why not ask him to play a different game?"
Her, "ok! (running out of the room) Hey daddy do you want to play tic-tac-toe?!”
It only took five minutes and prevented a potentially big melt down. And that conversation happened because we talk about emotions and make it ok to have them. I promise I don't do it right every time, and I do lose my cool. It's ok, no one is perfect. If we try to talk about feelings and solutions as often as we can and admit our mistakes to ourselves and our kids, our interactions can be so much easier and our kids so much happier.
You can learn more about emotion coaching at http://www.gottman.com/ or www.parentingcounts.org and locally (Seattle area) you can take free emotion coaching classes through www.encompassnw.org. If you have questions for me, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
I remember Marlo Thomas's "Free to Be You & Me" book and album making me aware of feelings as a child. I remember asking my mom, "Who doesn't think it's alright to cry?" I don't remember her response but I am sure it was a good one, because my mom was a natural emotion coach. What's an emotion coach and why does it matter?
Dr. John Gottman and the Talaris Institute studied families and children to learn what style of parenting is the most beneficial to kids. Dr. Gottman found that parents who emotion coach raise emotionally intelligent children who grow up to have decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety. They perform better in school and experience fewer illnesses. He says that, "emotional intelligence means being able to read your own and other's emotions, and being able to respond to the emotions of others in a cooperative, functional, and empathetic manner." Emotion coaching parents notice when there is a shift in their child's emotion and take the opportunity to show empathy, discuss emotions and problem solve. (To read more on Dr. Gottman's study click here.)
This information is great, but how do you emotion coach? For many parents, it doesn't seem that easy. I can give you a few real life examples from my clients and my own kids. I like to use toys in both the office and at home. For example, I have a Jenga game in my office on which I have written questions about school and how to handle potential problems that come up. I don't have a question on every game piece, because that would be overwhelming for a child rendering the game no longer fun. But, when a player pulls a piece with a question, they read it aloud and discuss how they would feel in the given situation and what they would do. This is a great way for parents and kids to educate each other. I also really like Kimochis. I found them this summer in a little store in northern Michigan, and I fell in love. The toys are designed to teach kids about emotions. Each character has a personality similar to those of our own children and they come with feelings. I keep all 24 emotions in a bowl on my kitchen table and in my office. I have not found a better tool to help kids talk about their feelings.
I have a client who has not been on time to school all year. He gets really upset and stalls in every way possible. His mom is exhausted by the temper tantrums and at a loss. One morning she got out the Kimochis feelings and laid them on the table. She told her son to please pick out the feelings he had that morning. He chose angry, sad and jealous. His mom was surprised and asked him why he was sad. He went on to explain all of the feelings to his mom as she asked him questions about them. It turned out he was jealous that his little sister got to stay at home, sad because he might be missing something fun and mad that he had to go to school. They were still late that morning, but there was no temper tantrum and they made plans to do something together after school. This conversation did not solve all of their problems. But, it did open the door to more conversations about feelings and emotion coaching moments.
At home, I use the Kimochis feelings with my 3 year old to help develop her emotional vocabulary. She picks an emotion from the bowl and we talk about what it means, what people do when they feel that way and what we might need if we feel that way.
I never know if it's working until she comes up to me and says:
Her, “mama I'm really mad at daddy."
Me, "ok, what happened?"
Her, “he won't play tag with me anymore."
Me," that is frustrating. hhhmmm, what would you like to do about it?"
Her, “you tell him he has to play tag."
Me, “will that work?"
Her, "but that's what I want."
Me, "do you want a suggestion?" (She's only 3.:))
Her, "ok."
Me, "why not ask him to play a different game?"
Her, "ok! (running out of the room) Hey daddy do you want to play tic-tac-toe?!”
It only took five minutes and prevented a potentially big melt down. And that conversation happened because we talk about emotions and make it ok to have them. I promise I don't do it right every time, and I do lose my cool. It's ok, no one is perfect. If we try to talk about feelings and solutions as often as we can and admit our mistakes to ourselves and our kids, our interactions can be so much easier and our kids so much happier.
You can learn more about emotion coaching at http://www.gottman.com/ or www.parentingcounts.org and locally (Seattle area) you can take free emotion coaching classes through www.encompassnw.org. If you have questions for me, email me at kramsburgh@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Sibling Arguments
Q: My daughters are 10 and 8. They are good friends, but they fight all of the time. I’d like to give them some skills to solve problems and end conflict. What do you suggest?
A: It can be exhausting to feel like you’re doing the job of a UN Peacekeeper just to keep the peace in your home. I think that there are a couple of helpful things you can do.
First, I am a big fan of discussing how to handle conflict when there is no conflict. Having a plan will help you to remain calm instead of reacting in the moment which can result in a regrettable incident for everyone involved. I recommend that families sit down and discuss how they will de-escalate the fight and what consequences are appropriate and agreed upon. Both parents have to feel comfortable with carrying out the chosen consequence. It is important to remember that in the midst of the fight both kids (and maybe even you) are feeling emotionally flooded and will not be able to talk about what happened. It is better to have a predetermined cooling off plan to give each kid (and you) the space to calm down. In a big fight, each person should cool down for at least 20 minutes before you try to talk about what happened. Cool down suggestions: reading quietly, doing an art project alone, hanging out with a favorite pet or spending some time outside.
Second, Dr. John Gottman uses an amazing intervention with couples called The Rappaport Conflict Blueprint. I use this intervention with couples and with families. It is a great way for individuals to move from attack-defend mode. Here is how I would use it in this situation:
1. The parent should tell each child that they should stop trying to convince others that they are right and their sibling is wrong. (Each child has their own perspective so this argument will go nowhere and will result in another conflict.)
2. No blaming, during the conversation everyone needs to use “I statements”. (Parents please give an example.)
3. They should choose who will talk first and who will listen. Both kids will get a chance to talk.
4. The kid who is talking should tell the kid who is listening what they feel using “I statements”, and then they should say what they need in a positive tense. (I need instead of I don’t need.)
5. When the speaker is done talking the listener should repeat back what they heard the other person felt and what they need and what part of that makes sense to them.
6. It is ok to ask questions to make sure you understand each other well.
7. Switch roles.
Parents, kids will need coaching and help with this exercise. The goal is not to decide who is right and who is wrong. The goal is to move the kids from attack-defend mode into a conversation. Once each kid feels understood, you can move to problem solving. This takes time at first, but once everyone gets used to it this will become second nature and you won’t have to intervene as often.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Help! My Kid Throws Massive Tantrums!
Question:
My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming
and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel
like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What
do you suggest?
Answer:
Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those
times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact,
you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that
our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability
to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any
number of things can set them off. Kids require our guidance to learn
emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need
us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences
for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like
they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are
uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in
the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our
child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural
to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling
doesn't help. There is a solution.
The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great
skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when
you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or
frustrated what helps you to feel better?" Keep exploring self
soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both
agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly.
We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is
important to let your child know that this is not a punishment.
Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child
are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what
happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or
scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go
overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and
begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry
and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to
behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize
when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill
will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
http://www.parentingcounts.org/ is a fantastic free research based resource
that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help
your child learn to process and express their emotions.
My 8 year old has frequent tantrums that include kicking, screaming
and hitting. He is totally out of control and inconsolable. I feel
like I've tried everything, but I usually end up yelling at him. What
do you suggest?
Answer:
Kids, like adults, can become emotionally flooded. You know those
times when you feel so angry that you can't think straight. In fact,
you can't think straight. Once our bodies become so full emotion that
our heart rate rises above 100 beats per minute, we lose our ability
to think and behave rationally. The same is true for kids, and any
number of things can set them off. Kids require our guidance to learn
emotion regulation; how to talk about and express emotions. They need
us to give them the space to feel their emotions and give consequences
for the behavior and not the emotion itself. Parents often feel like
they have to "get the situation under control". Temper tantrums are
uncomfortable, and we often just want them to end. I've been there, in
the grocery store or trying to get out the door in the morning. Our
child's tantrums often cause us to feel emotionally flooded as well.
With both parent and child flooded, yelling often ensues. It's natural
to feel angered by your child's angry reaction to you, but yelling
doesn't help. There is a solution.
The practice of self soothing is helpful for everyone and a great
skill we can teach our kids. The key is to have a conversation when
you're not mad. Ask your child, “when you are feeling very angry or
frustrated what helps you to feel better?" Keep exploring self
soothing exercises with your child until you find one that you both
agree upon. For example, playing with the dog or reading quietly.
We'll call this self soothing exercise quiet time or alone time. It is
important to let your child know that this is not a punishment.
Additionally, it also needs to be clear that once you and your child
are feeling calmer (at least 20 minutes) you will talk about what
happened, because it is ok to be mad but it is not ok to kick, hit or
scream. Kids have short memories, so don't let the conversation go
overnight, find a time to have it. When your child becomes angry and
begins screaming, tell them that you can see that they are very angry
and they need to have alone time.
I realize that the fear is that your child will learn that it is ok to
behave like this, but they won’t. They will learn how to recognize
when they are becoming flooded and how to calm themselves. This skill
will help them to have better relationships now and in the future.
http://www.parentingcounts.org/ is a fantastic free research based resource
that has helpful videos and exercises to help you learn how to help
your child learn to process and express their emotions.
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